What is unhealthy Perfectionism?

What’s the difference between unhealthy perfectionism and the healthy pursuit of excellence?

I was recently a keynote speaker at a large women’s conference where I presented Perfect Imperfection. Part of my talk included the idea of giving ourselves a bit of slack when it comes to the rigid standards perfectionists place on themselves when wanting to achieve goals. The audience of 500+ in attendance loved it! Yet there was one comment from a high-achieving woman that got me thinking.

While she praised my talk, she also asked:
“Doesn’t everyone try to achieve goals and standards? Isn’t that just a normal part of life? I mean, you don’t get ahead in life by being a slacker, right?”
I thought I may have missed the mark in how I was communicating the idea of Perfect Imperfection.
It got me thinking: if given another opportunity, how would I course-correct the narrative to modify how I explained the idea of flexible standards? So, in the spirit of perfect imperfection, allow me to clarify the difference between unhealthy perfectionism and the healthy striving for excellence.

Let’s take an example from the setting of an athlete:

Setting personally demanding goals, like that of an elite athlete, can be done in a way that is positive for the individual.

Take my sport of body sculpting (aka: bodybuilding), for example. This sport requires intense focus and discipline at the gym and in the kitchen. The body is “sculpted” in a way that gives the illusion of perfection onstage. When prepping for a competition, we would not see the high standards for performance as a problem; rather, we might see that as an integral part of high achievement.
Where perfectionism becomes unhealthy is when those very high standards of achievement are so rigid that, if anything less than a 1st place finish or a body that isn’t “stage ready” all year round is seen as failure. If intense self-criticism shows up and creates an inner belief that the athlete has performed poorly and/or has failed as a person, that is when these high standards become unhealthy.

Translate this to everyday life

This same scenario can also be seen in any aspect of life. Take education, your career, being a parent, a partner, a friend, etc. If striving for excellence in any part of life is so rigid that the person measures their self-worth around whether they win or lose, then striving for excellence turns into unhealthy perfectionism.
For some, it may be difficult to see where the healthy pursuit of excellence ends and unhealthy perfectionism begins. The main difference between the two is (as quoted in the book Overcoming Perfectionism):
  • In unhealthy perfectionism, the person’s view of themselves is dependent on how well they think they achieve their own demanding standards.
  • In unhealthy perfectionism, the person continues to pursue their self-imposed rigid standards despite negative consequences.
Coming back to my example of an elite athlete, there is a fine line between pursuing high standards to achieve a particular physique and the obsession around perfection all year long. If the athlete puts unrealistically high standards on how they look 365 days a year and measures their self-worth by what they see in the mirror every day, then it becomes unhealthy perfectionism. The self-worth is dependent on pushing themselves so hard to have that “perfect body” that it actually becomes detrimental.

Today is a breakthrough day!

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This program is NOT about lowering your standards. It’s about addressing the over-dependence of your self-worth on striving and achievement.
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